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The Locker – Chapter 12 (Conclusion)

Written By: Sex Writer - Sep• 17•07

Chapter 12

Monday 5 a.m. – Dakota

He had heard the old truck coughing into life a little early, knowing now where his father was really going. Strange, he had kind of wished that he had gone with him and yet he couldn’t get that look out of his mind. The way his father had looked at him when he had brushed Noah off yesterday. The sadness in his eyes were almost as painful as the hurt that was reflected in Noah’s face. Dakota wasn’t sure which hurt him more, Noah’s look of feeling betrayed or his father’s stare of disappointment?

In some ways it made him angry that neither of them could understand how he felt. Why was it always about them and not him he wondered? His eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time since this morning. As he sat up on the wooden platform, staring out at the coming dawn he could still hear Noah’s voice. What would today be like he wondered and yet he knew inside exactly how it would be. He didn’t know if he even wanted to go to school today for fear of having to face Noah. God why did it always have to be so hard?

Sitting there with his knees drawn up under his chin he stared outwards, wondering where it had all gone wrong? Why had he jumped so far away that he actually hurt someone he cared for? Why did his own father look at him now like he was some big disappointment? Maybe in the past he would have thought it was because he was queer, but thinking about it, his father had never looked like that at him even when he had found out that he was gay. Strange, if anything should have brought that out it should have been that but instead it was him turning Noah away. How could that be? What was it that had changed so much that he actually had turned his back on his own dreams and hopes?

Was he a coward or maybe he was just being realistic? How could he go through more of this constant fighting and for what? What gain did he get out of having to get himself psyched up to just walk down a school hallway? Why did he have to wonder each time he passed some guys if they would come up and jump him? Wasn’t he entitled to have some peace, some time to be himself? His father didn’t understand how it felt each morning, having to wake up knowing that someone would say something or do something that would tear at your insides. He just didn’t get it that even though Montana had tried to keep him out of it that just couldn’t happen. There was always someone to snicker, to call him down for being Montana’s brother and it was that which defeated his brother more than any disease could. It was that constant goading, name calling that made him weak and tired which is why the disease took hold so fast.

He knew in his heart that Montana welcomed death, that at least in death he would have peace and wrongly he also thought it would bring peace to his family. God if he only knew how much it hadn’t brought any peace. If only he could have known maybe he would have fought more, tried a bit harder to stick around. Dakota’s anger and pain grew as he sat there, seeing the light beginning to shred the dark shroud that had covered his world. How he hated the sunrise and yet his brother loved it, telling him how beautiful it was to see. Dakota hated it because it meant another day was beginning, another day in which the morons would taunt and laugh at him and at his brother. Another day of having to get through teachers who would let the jokes about gays go at best, at worst they would join in the laughter. How could he enjoy that signal of a new day when all it meant was more pain?

To him the sunset was best simply because it meant he had survived another day living in a world that tormented people not because they were evil or sinners, just because they were different. He hated the world and some of that anger had given him a chance to be accepted. He had learned how to fight and how to walk and talk just like everyone else. In the locker room he had told his fair share of gay jokes too but he was tired of all that. He was just plain tired of it, of having to lie and pretend.

Maybe what really pissed him off the most was having to lie to the girls. He had dated some and many were really nice and yet he had used them, in an effort to protect himself but it was wrong. It had eaten at his insides and even Montana had seemed disappointed by his actions but it had saved his ass. There was no denying that and yet it didn’t give him any comfort. Sitting here now he felt like all it had done was make his whole life a lie, a sham even. Maybe that was what his father had seen when he had broken it off with Noah? Could he have known about the girls and how he had deceived everyone at school? Could he have known how he had been secretly pleased by Montana insisting he stay out of the hassles? Was that what had his father looking so disappointed in him?

Why did you have to leave me? Why?

He stared up at the fading darkness knowing that today would be just one more day of disappointments. He could feel the pain and emptiness in his heart from not having Montana nearby to answer him but he also felt a new hole inside, the place where Noah had touched. His whole body shook as he cried for what he could have had and for what he had lost. He couldn’t understand why things were this way but he knew that he hurt, that the pain inside was too much for him. For a second or two he wished he could be with Montana now, wish that he were next to his brother by that tree instead of here.

You told me to act straight, I would have stood by you, really, I would have

He meant it, he really did as he spoke out loud, hoping that by doing so that maybe his voice would carry, that maybe Montana would hear him. It wasn’t like it had helped all that much anyhow, pretending to be straight. Some still figured he was queer, some even tried to fight him and he had listened to Montana. He had struck out at them hard, acting like it was a slur that they thought he might be like his older brother. He had done the best acting job and yet why did he always feel so dirty afterwards? Why hadn’t it seemed like a big joke, the gay kid fooling the straight boys?

It never felt right, why didn’t you let me stand up with you? Didn’t you think I would? Were you ashamed of me too?

Dakota’s eyes felt like they were filled with sand even though the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. Even his tears hurt him as he cried, not certain what to do anymore. Part of him wanted to just put his head on Noah’s shoulder and each time he thought how good that would be, he saw Noah’s anger and hurt face staring at him. He had burned that bridge and yet somehow he still wished he could have made Noah understand. It just wasn’t about protecting Noah but how do you tell someone you love that he’s fallen for a coward? How do you explain to him that just being on the edge of the abuse had taken such a toll on his own spirit?

Where were the words to explain to the one person that had driven you to taking huge risks just so you could be near them and then when it came to actually having to confront those risks, all you could do was run? He did want Noah, he knew that in his heart but he also knew that he wanted to just be normal, to just be one of the guys no matter the cost. How do you explain that to someone like Noah who hadn’t a clue as to how it would be? How did you tell yourself never mind the one guy that had made it past all your defences? Hell how do you tell your dad that you felt like a coward because you never stood up to the bullies that swarmed your own brother? How do you tell the two people that mattered that you love them when you couldn’t tell that to your own brother when he needed you the most?

His pain was growing as his body shook in the dawn’s light. He felt so useless and such a coward that he didn’t know which way to turn. He wanted Noah so badly and yet he knew that to have him would mean an endless round of fights and scorn and abuse. He just didn’t think he could survive all that or that the image Noah had of him could survive it. Everyone thought he was such a strong guy, one who could fight his way out of trouble if he couldn’t talk his way out, yet they didn’t know him. They didn’t know how scared he felt each time he realized he’d have to take a hit, to take a fist to the face or to the stomach. No one really ever talked about that and yet it always seemed to be there staring at him. Each time someone would say something he’d feel the flesh and bone hitting his own, wincing inside at the sharp jolts that he knew would immediately follow.

No one understood how scary those thoughts were. No one really considered how each time the fear grew worse or the pain seemed to get more intense. Noah thought he was tough and all, so too it seemed did his dad, but the truth was that he wasn’t. He knew that deep inside, knew that Montana had known it too. His eyes were blurry as he stared upwards.

Was that why Montana? Did you know I would cave? Is that why you insisted I act like I was straight ‘cause you knew I was afraid?

Deep inside he felt anger, unreasonable anger at the notion that he should be anything but afraid. Hell the whole world seemed against him and his kind, even the Pope was calling him a sinner and evil. How was he supposed to fight all that by himself? Okay, sure Montana had fought it and where had it gotten him? How many times had he come home all battered and bruised? Sure he had shaken it all off, calling them jerks or puffing his chest out and saying that they should see the other guys. It always was guys too, never guy because it never was only one but a pack. How many times had he turned the corner to see three or four guys standing around waiting and how many times had he turned and walked the other way?

The shame welled up inside because he knew that he shouldn’t have turned away, that he should have gone forward and stood by his brother. At the time and ever since he had always said he was only doing what Montana had wanted, but had he? Was he really just doing what Montana said or was he using that as an excuse for not doing what he knew he should have? Was he doing what his dad said, using an excuse to make it all seem right when deep down he knew differently?

The wind began to pick up and he could feel the warm dry air swirling around him as he stood up and took off Noah’s shorts. He stood there, naked letting the wind play around his body as he stared outwards. Was this how it was supposed to be or was it how he was willing to let it be? He felt the pain in his chest as he dropped Noah’s shorts and walked over to the edge, to stare down at the shadowy ground. It would be so easy to just step off over the edge. to let his body fall down and end his pain.

His body shook, as the wind grew stronger. He breathed in deeply wondering if his dad was right, wondering if when you died that wasn’t just it. Was there really a God and if so, what would it be like to know him and feel him next to you? Could it really end the pain he was feeling right now or was it just so much hocus-pocus? Was there a place after death or was death final? His body shivered as he stepped closer to the edge of the platform, his toes curling at the lip of the edge. His heart ached inside as he wished he’d never been born.

There was no way for him to end the pain he thought as he stood there, the tears rolling down his face unheeded. There seemed to be no easy answer and for a moment or two he felt like he just wanted to curl up in a ball but then what? His mind was filled with the faces of all those who had taunted and tormented him and his brother. Even pretending to be straight hadn’t helped much and he could still feel the fists striking him, the feet kicking at his fallen body. He could feel it now as he shuddered and let his pain have free reign over his body. There was no other way left to him he thought as he stood there, wondering if God existed or not, wondering if he would see Montana again or not.

The pain tore into him as he shivered a little, his naked body growing cold as his mind rebelled against having to go and face Noah. He knew in his soul that he loved him, that he wanted to be a part of his world and life but that he was just plain afraid. He knew too that he was a failure to his father in both being gay and being a coward. There really didn’t seem any other choices left he felt as the pain ripped into his body, making it quake and shiver at the same time. The wind began to howl it seemed as he looked up from the ground to stare out at the land spread out before him. He wondered if they would cry more for him or less? Would Noah care or would he feel what? Would he cry for him or not?

Dakota could see the sun slowly rising up over the horizon and he hated its yellow glow, knowing that he had little choice left. If he just took one more step maybe then he would never have to worry about seeing another dawn, never have to worry about trying to just get through one more day of living. Funny, Montana had told him that the morning was the best because it meant a whole new chance at changing things but he never saw it that way. To him it was just another reminder of what lay ahead and the fears and pain that it would bring to him and his family. No the morning wasn’t beautiful or comforting to him and yet standing there, he couldn’t help but admire its strange beauty. Something about the morning had made Montana happy but what was it? Was it the golden rays piercing the darkness or was it something else?

What did you see that I don’t? What was it about the mornings that you loved so much that you even spent your last breath watching it come? What? Tell me Montana, please, tell me

Slowly the sun was rising up from the horizon and he could see the field clearly now, see the house off in the distance even and he wondered what it was about morning that had always given Montana a smile? If only he could know too, maybe then he wouldn’t feel so defeated, so empty? Maybe if he could figure that out he might want to go forward but why couldn’t he? Was he dense or was it just because there really wasn’t anything to see?

He looked around trying to see something that would make him understand but he couldn’t see anything different. In the light nothing looked different, everything was still the same so what was it that Montana saw that gave him such hope? What was it that let him get up each morning and go to school and face those assholes? His body shuddered as the sobs came from deep within his body. The pain of losing his brother grew harder to accept as he felt himself coming closer to the edge, felt his body leaning forward a bit more towards that point of no return when the wind picked up from behind him. He could feel it pushing against his back and somehow he fought it, holding himself that brief distance from the edge.

The wind swirled around and gusted up from behind even more as he stared out, his long hair flowing up and over his shoulders to even dangle out in front of his face. He could taste the stands of hair that came across his mouth and he sighed, wishing he knew the truth. His legs were cold as he stood there with the wind at his back and the scent of strawberries came to him. He breathed it in deeply wondering how he could smell them now, knowing the season was long past and yet it was strawberries that he smelt. Dakota felt the emptiness inside of him growing as he stood there. First Montana and now Noah too, what else was there left to be taken from him? He had nothing else left but himself and maybe that was just it, maybe it was time that too was gone so at least the pain could end?

Everything seemed so hopeless. If he stayed to fight he would lose, there just was too many of them. Besides, Noah wouldn’t want him now not after what he had said to him yesterday. Montana had already been taken from him already and that loss would never get easier to accept. His father was already disappointed in him and already feeling one loss, staying only adding to his pain and his mother’s pain. As for his sister, she had to struggle to keep their secret from everyone and in his heart he knew how much it worried her. She would give anything not to spill it but he knew that it was beyond her abilities to control. Eventually it would come out and then she would feel responsible. There was no solution for any of it, all he could see was more pain, and more emptiness as he began to let the wind move him along.

It would have been nice if things had worked out like they did in Hollywood or in some storybook. It would have been nice to be Noah’s white knight and come to his rescue and save him but that just didn’t happen in real life. He wished he could have what he had always wanted, wished he could walk down the street holding hands with Noah. Strange, he had always had that dream but never had a face to put with it. All the guys he had known never quite fit the bill and yet the instant he had seen Noah his face filled the blank one of his dreams. How could just one look touch him so much and give him such warmth that not even the sun could equal it?

His eyes blinked as he tried to figure out what it was about Noah that had gotten inside of him? Was it his face or his look? Could it be his body or maybe how he spoke? Standing there he wished he could have ended it differently between them, wished that he had found a way to explain it all to Noah. That was the one thing he really did regret. Somehow he really had hoped that he could have lived his dream with Noah, but this way at least Noah wouldn’t have to live with the pain for long, if at all. At least this way he would never have to know the horror of waking up each morning dreading the day.

There was a soft caress against the back of his legs and he shivered feeling a sudden jolt of electricity run through his whole body. For a second or even two he could see Noah’s face towering over him, the look in his eyes as his hand had began to reach back to guide Dakota’s throbbing pole along his buttocks. He saw it all and in staring at those eyes again he could see deeper than before. It wasn’t lust or just passion that glowed inside but something else. He felt the fires of Noah’s soul touching his in that moment when his pole reached that one small tiny hole.

He glanced down at his trembling hands and at the ground. It looked so hard and cold and then he glanced down at his feet. He saw his toes curling tightly around the lip of the platform and around the tops of his feet a thin material blew over and covered them. Dakota stared down at Noah’s shorts that twirled around his ankles and he could feel him now. He could feel Noah’s breath on his face; feel the drops of sweat that dripped form his forehead as he stared down at him.

The sun finally broke out in the dawn and it struck Dakota’s fully in the face. He could see the rainbow of colours through his tear stained eyes and was awe struck by the brilliance of the colours. The deep hues of red and purple made his heart ache and burn with a strange desire as his body stood still among the wind. Inside he felt the hot fire of Noah’s desire reaching for him and he could feel the tender gentleness of his hand on his face at the same time. Everything burned a brilliant colour as he watched the sun rise fully into the morning sky and he felt a strange stirring inside of his heart as he wondered if it could be that simple?

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