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Rent Boy – Chapter 13 (conclussion)

Written By: Sex Writer - Sep• 14•07

Chapter 13

Josh sat there, swirling the amber liquid around in the glass. It never changed, did it? No matter what he could still feel the ache in his heart, the emptiness whenever he thought about Billy, even now so many yearslater, so much water under the bridge, and yet he could close his eyes and there he would stand, the dark hair flowing across his forehead, the eyes penetrating deep into his soul; and yet when he opened his eyes, there was nothing there, just the hint of what could have been.

The touch of Darren’s hand on his shoulder made him look up, the image of Billy smiling slowly dissipating in the light of the room. A wan smile crossed his face as he stared up, wondering what would come next.

“You really loved him a lot, now I understand.”

“Understand? What is it you understand Darren?”

“Oh, lots of things I guess, like why you always back off when things get really emotional between us, for instance.”

“Back off ? Come on Darren, that isn’t true.”

“Oh come on Josh, you know it is… I mean how many times have I asked you to go away for a weekend and you always find an excuse, or how many times have I told you I want to be with you forever and you tell me I need a shrink, if that isn’t backing off I don’t know what is.”

Josh sat there looking up, staring into Darren’s eyes, and seeing the clouds roll over the normally sparkling eyes. He could see the pain there, the sharp anguish that was not just evident in Darren’s voice, but was deep in his heart. Funny, he never really looked into his eyes before, never really delved there like he used to do for hours with Billy.

He shuddered a little as the words found their way inside of him. For a brief second he could feel the words and he knew that in some ways they were true, but damn it, couldn’t Darren understand that it wasn’t his fault? Couldn’t he see that you never really ever find that

gaystoryman perfect love, but if you are lucky you only find it once in a lifetime?

“He’s gone Josh, you aren’t, least not physically, look I never knew your Billy, from what Gordon told me he was something special, but he is gone and you have to let yourself want to go forward.”

“Darren that isn’t fair… yes he’s gone, but not really gone, he’s still a big part of me, can’t you see that?”

“All I see is that I am competing with a ghost, and that isn’t fair to me or to you.”

Josh looked away, he could see the pain only growing inside of Darren and for some reason, it made him feel angry. Couldn’t Darren just accept who he was, what he was, and let it go at that? Why did he insist on wanting to know everything, to have all of him? How could he even give all of himself to Darren, wasn’t there a big hole in his soul? How do you give what you don’t have?

Josh swirled the cognac around and then brought the glass up to his lips. He tossed his head back and swallowed it all in one gulp. With his head high, he rose up and handed the ring to Darren.

“I can’t give you what I don’t have Darren, I wish I could, maybe another time, I’ll call you.”

With those softly spoken words, Josh grabbed his coat and walked out of the apartment. He closed the door softly, and he leaned against the wall, breathing deeply in an attempt to quell his shaking heart. The tears flowed down from his cheeks and he cried within, desperate to feel Billy’s touch, to hear his voice, to experience just once more his tender embrace.

He shook his head and headed towards the elevator, hearing a glass smashing somewhere inside of Darren’s apartment. His hand pushed the button and he waited, knowing that he had hurt Darren, but he had no choice, there just really wasn’t anyway he could give Darren what he deserved.

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