Chapter 02
He stared out at the wide expanse of the city before him. it really was quite a site to see, all the shimmering buildings off in the distance with the sun setting behind him. The greenish colour of the ocean made for an interesting contrast to the powder blue sky and the scattered clouds above. Paul sighed a little as he realized that this part of his journey was finally coming to an end.
There had been no real rush for him and yet something had more or less spurred him on to make the journey down from Seattle in record time, well at least for him and his twin masted schooner ‘The Inseparable’. The winds had been more than favourable for his trip down the west coast which made him smile a little more. If anyone could see him they would be amazed at how innocent he looked when smiling. The grin was wide and while his lips were thin, his curly blonde hair bleached by days under the sun only helped to give him a boyish look.
At first glance his face looked clean shaved but if one was to look close they would see the tufts of light coloured facial hair all across his cheeks and chin. After all he had been at sea for almost an entire week and shaving had not been a real priority for him. He stared out at San Diego and wondered why he had even accepted the offer to come here. It was the last place he really wanted to be but somehow when approached to accept the job at Marine World he hadn’t even hesitated in accepting it.
Leaning over the rail to stare out at the wide expanse of civilization he realized just how much of a recluse he really was. He didn’t like the city life and while he once lived in a small town that was in a time he’d rather not remember. Paul Jamison had left home early on and he still kept the details buried deep inside of his mind. It wasn’t good to dwell on the past but as much as he kept trying to escape it, he never could shake it from popping up at inopportune moments, such as now.
Somewhere out there was his younger brother and while he knew that he wanted to see him he also knew that it just wouldn’t work out. So much water had passed since they had last seen each other but still, deep down he rather wished things had been different between them. Everything he was today and might one day be was because of his younger brother’s sacrifice for him. How do you ignore that he wondered as he stared out at the tall spirals of building intruding on the beauty of the dusk?
He shook his head as he looked down at the shimmering glass of the ocean. It always amazed him how something so placid one second could in a flash suddenly rear up into an angry torrent of dark green water. Everything about the ocean held him in a constant state of awe and at times he wondered what had gone through God’s mind as he created the oceans and skies. Had he put some of his own anger into the water or was it a mirror to God’s own ever changing moods?
Christ if he ever told his mother these thoughts she would have a fit, or worse maybe a heart attack. The sudden image of her clutching her chest in pain made his leg quiver a bit and his face grow hard like a stone as the thought passed thru him. It wasn’t that he really wished her ill but then again if he was honest he knew that he did. How could she have done all that she had without some shame, some regret?
For all of her holier than thou attitude she really was no different than many of the people you read about in the corporate world. She was only interested in clawing ahead and how she got there didn’t really matter. Her kids were a stepping stone, part of the whole act really and now that his father had been taken out of the picture she had quickly moved on to the next phase of her life.
It wasn’t like he could complain in one regard. The life they had lived with their father and his religious zeal had been unbearable. His notion of fatherly advice had been to quote scripture and then if that wasn’t enough, the harsh application of a broad leather strap would help him punctuate his words of Godly advice. Paul shivered a little as he remembered many of those moments with his father and the way she would stand there, her face cold and impassive and uncaring. Each hard slap of leather against bare flesh would ring out loudly and yet he never saw her flinch, never saw her cringe when the huge belt would rise high up in the air before coming down with unbelievable force on either his bare back or ass or that of his younger brother’s. Not once did she suck in her breath or even try to intercede in his father’s so called just punishment against his perceived children’s’ transgressions.
Standing there with his head resting on his arms as he looked out at what was soon to be his home he couldn’t help but wonder if this was a mistake. She was based out of there with his step father and the idea of having to have anything to do with that religious swindler only infuriated him. Mind you it hadn’t stopped him from accepting the man’s money which had paid for his education and even had paid for this schooner. Of course deep down he knew that all that his father was wasn’t because he was some anointed disciple of God but instead had been her choice.
The cold chill continued to gnaw at his bones despite the sun beating down on his bare back. Paul loved the chance to be on his boat out at sea away from humans. Here he could be who he wanted to be without worrying about convention. For almost the entire sail down from Seattle he had worn virtually nothing but shorts on occasion. Even then he had rarely had them on, enjoying the wind beating against his flesh or the sun shining on it. Now here he was, golden from the rays of the sun and his fine blond hairs bleached to a fine shade of white. The hairs on his chest were curled around and yet if you were to look at him from any distance you’d swear he was devoid of any body hair. Not even his small tuft of hair that poked up from just under the waist band would show.
The feel of the sun on his bare back finally turned his thoughts away from her and the life she had moulded for herself. He didn’t even care that in the last 6 years he had spoken to her twice or seen her only once. Instead their contact had been thru an intermediary, John Childs who had been a close friend of the family back when they were just poor nobodies. Now even he had moved up the ladder of success along with his mother. She guided the ever widening empire of the great Jerry Hartwell who spouted his venom every Sunday coast to coast on national television. What a phoney the man was and Paul knew that first hand, just as she did too. After all nothing ever escaped her vigilance, and if it wasn’t for the boyish charm of Jerry Hartwell and his golden voice he would never have lasted in her orbit. She had always wanted more and now she had.
Paul couldn’t quite get his mind off her and her new life. Sure it had paid well for some things, but then maybe it was only their due. After all if it hadn’t been for him and his younger brother there would have been no way that she could have snared the great Jerry Hartwell. Well at least he had gotten something out of it and as much as he despised the man, he still felt more hatred for his own Mother. No doubt some shrink would make a big deal out of it but over the years Paul had grown accustomed to the reality of his life. She no longer needed him or his brother around and in many ways he was pleased with that choice. As much as she didn’t want them near he didn’t want to be near and yet here he was, moving to the same city that housed the huge Hartwell Ministries.
Somehow he doubted if it would make any difference to her but he had wondered about his younger brother. Strange how he had just naturally moved to San Diego when he had a whole lot of other places to choose from. But then again he was more independent than Paul had ever been which maybe was one more reason for his strange feelings of guilt and shame that came over him as he looked down into the swirling Pacific Ocean . His schooner was merely floating gently among the calm waters but he knew that just under that calm surface was a host of undertows and strong violent currents that could drag a person under in no time flat.
Paul shivered again as he tried to force his thoughts away from the past. He hated looking back and yet he had found himself returning to his childhood more and more lately. Ever since the offer had come to head up a research project here at San Diego Marine World he had found himself reliving many of the times he had tried to push out of his mind. He couldn’t seem to stop himself and a deep scowl came over his face even as the water glimmered a few feet from his eyes.
He could see the skinny legs of his brother kicking and splashing as he swam in the waters of the lake back home. They had come there just a week or two before it all came tumbling down on him. He had never really understood his brother and yet they were inseparable from each other despite the age differences. He was the older but at times you couldn’t be certain. His brother had a way of suddenly changing expressions that made him look years older. Paul knew that the girls at school drooled over his younger brother and while he got his own fair share of attention, it was always his brother who got the lion’s share.
It never really bothered him either and as much as those girls would try, they never really had a chance. Paul knew way back then that his younger brother wasn’t interested in girls. He himself had sort of been, at least he had thought he was but somehow he never really did click with females. He had found them too noisy and shallow which wasn’t fair of him, but then his brother always joked that Paul was the serious one while he was the fun one. It always would lead to a wrestling match between them or a small play fight but now, well now Paul thought that maybe he had been right. He was more serious and he did take school seriously while his younger brother skated through his classes. He could have gotten honours with a little bit of work but he never bothered to, not when there was a chance to go swimming or hiking or really anything that wasn’t school related.
Now here he was, nearly 25 years old and about to start a job that would pay him nearly $100 thousand dollars for less than a year’s worth of work. His brother on the other hand was somewhere out there, earning only God knew what because he had never finished school. Hell his father had thrown him out when he was just 14 and once more the guilt rose up inside of Paul. He struggled as he felt a tear trickle down his cheek as he looked up and out towards San Diego .
His heart felt heavy as he tried to focus on the shimmering city before him but all he could feel was a deep sense of shame. It was his fault and he knew it but he had never once come forward with the truth or even tried to. Instead he had silently let his younger brother walk out the door, and that had been it. Paul wished he had that kind of courage but instead he knew that inside, he was basically a coward. He might have been the serious one, but it was his brother who was the strong one. He was the one who had the guts and for a split second he wished he too could have that inner strength. Just once he wished he had stood up to her and her cruelty.
The sound of chattering and then the cold spray of water across his face and torso startled him and he stepped back from the rail before it all registered inside his guilt tortured mind. His eyes were cloudy from the welling of tears and sea spray as he wiped the combined liquid away. He stepped back towards the railing to stare down at the swirling grey shape that frolicked only a few feet from him now. Inside his heart grew a bit easier as he stood there, his nearly naked body swaying to the gentle motion of his boat as he watched the torpedo shaped fish circling like a dog chasing its tail.
